Struggling with life’s daily choices

This post may seem to hit people at the blue since I have always seemed so calm and reserved.  It’s almost 4am as I sit and type this and I can’t sleep because of the mounting pressure I am under.  You see, I have been putting up a facade for most of the past 18 months.  I really don’t know where to turn and who to talk to.

photo courtesy of flickr user liewcf

For those that don’t know, I am a father of two and a husband.  I’ve been basically unemployed for the past 18 months…I am a mortgage broker.  I’m in debt over $40,000 and have begun to default on my credit card bills.  For now, it’s only 1 card in arrears but after Dec it will be three.  I can’t pay them and I am sick to my stomach because of it.

My family is using my wife’s income to pay for all the necessities of life but her paycheck barely covers those bills, leaving no room for anything else.  I’ve been applying to jobs that I would have taken out of high school, jobs that pay a little above minimum wage and I still can’t get hired.  The economy sucks and it’s easy to blame this person or that person but this is my reality.  I am a good person who made one crappy decision 7 years ago.  I should have stayed in the job I had and sucked it up.

Photo courtesy of Flickr user Kevin H.

I made the decision to change jobs after the birth of my first son.  I wasn’t seeing much of him because I had to work 6 days a week.  I worked almost 11 hours per day and I had missed many of “the firsts” things in his life.  Missing these “firsts” made me want to change jobs.  I was also swayed by the potential to make better money while working less hours.  The reality is that I had to work nearly as many and I made 1/3 rd the pay for the first 2 years.  No one, Realtors, small business owners, CPA’s, investment advisors, etc not a single referral source was going to refer me to a client when I had no experience in mortgages.  That was the first sign of my struggles and I should have seen the writing on the wall.  I didn’t and I wanted to be there for my son and family and make it work.  Who could blame me???

Here I am 7 years later and about $25,000 less in savings, $40,000 in debt and no where to turn to.  I’m about to explode although I actually feel a little better by writing about it.  Thanks for allowing me to get this off my chest.

I hope things are sunnier where you are.